There's nothing to lose when no one knows your name..

Thursday, Oct. 06, 2005 ~ 12:06 p.m.

I am not much of a dream-interpreter, but I do occasionally have dreams that I can link to things that I have been thinking about or experiencing in my daily life.. they always come out in my dreams in inexplicably bizarre ways, though, and this was no different.

Just as a sidenote, our car has broken down so mom and I have been driving the massive, clunky, standard transmission truck to work everyday. I don't know how to drive standard.

In my dream, my sister and I were supposed to travel down into Maine for something, a vacation, I believe. My sister was still 12 in the dream, and I was driving the truck. For reasons unknown to me, we got completely turned around and instead of going Southwest to get to Maine, we ended up going due North, on busy highways with confusing offramps. I was having a very hard time driving, getting the truck to shift, and I was worried that we would get hit by these transport trucks going up and down the road, so we parked in the parking lot of an abandoned gas station, to try and read our map a little bit better. It was blurry at best, and completely overcrowded with names of cities and towns that aren't in New Brunswick. I had no idea how to get back home, so we sat for a few more moments, and then Shay needed to pee -- so we went into this abandoned gas station, which had nothing but a functional washroom in it, and then got back into our truck.

The truck stalled as we were pulling out on the highway but eventually, we got it working, and went on our way. Since we weren't sure how to get home and it was pitch dark out, we decided to just keep driving in the direction that we had been headed in and see what happened even though we were meant to meet someone in Maine, I believe.

We ended up at my grandparents' house on the North Shore. Once we got there, I realized that ShayLee was pregnant and due to have her baby anytime. My grandmother took her down their long narrow hallway to the spare bedroom to set her up for childbirth and I hooked my laptop into a phone jack in the living room. All through the delivery, I sat there, talking to people on MSN. I didn't know how to feel about ShayLee having a baby at 12, I had not even known she was pregnant. Perhaps I felt a bit cheated, maybe that was it? She called out for me while she was in pain but I wouldn't go to her, I didn't want to see it.

Finally, after all the screaming had subsided, I crept up the hallway and looked around the corner of the doorway to see her sitting up in bed with a tiny baby girl. It was the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever felt, and I fell on the floor, broken into a million zillion pieces.

There's so much symbolicness in this whole thing -- I've been thinking about moving back to town, back to the track, and even though I know there are other things that I would best be served doing, I am going in the same direction that I was before, because I'm not quite certain about those other directions. My map is blurry.

The baby thing, I think might have sprung from Alain showing me a picture of the mother of his child yesterday, and myself thinking she looked so young. She reminded me a lot of Whitney, my storm tossed younger cousin, who is, coincidentally, pregnant right now as well. I think she's a lot worse off than Alain's chicky poo, though, she's in an abusive relationship, living with a guy who beats her, and it's terrible. :P

There's so much that I want to do, that I want to rescue, that I want to preserve, but nothing is happening. I am just going the same way that I was going because that's the least confusing way to go.